Mary's Musing
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[00:00:00] Well, hey, it's me Mary Coughlin. Today's episode is what I'm calling
Mary's Musings. So I'm back from a speaking gig in Newark, Delaware for an organization called Christiana Care. I was invited to be the keynote speaker at the sixth biennial perinatal palliative care symposium. My talk was titled, Bridging Hats, Nurturing Authentic and Compassionate Connections. And in the talk, I focused on the power of story.
And in particular, how our, how our own story can foster compassionate connections with others. Gratefully, ~and ~the talk was well received, and I even got to reconnect with an old colleague who was instrumental actually in launching me, if I can say that as the pioneer for trauma informed care in the newborn ICU.
She was the former president [00:01:00] of the National Association of Neonatal Nurses back in 2014 ~and, and~ she was actually the person who invited me to speak at the annual NAN education conference that year. I got to share my passion and fury for trauma informed care for the very first time in front of over 700 of my nursing colleagues who ended up giving me a standing ovation and literally brought me to tears.
I, I truly had no idea. that the concept would resonate so deeply, and have been immensely grateful to Lynn for giving me such an incredible opportunity, which ~even~ coincided with the release of the first edition of Transformative Nursing in the NICU. It was a pretty powerhouse year to be sure. And actually, how I got this gig at Christiana Care was through that NAN speaking event.
One of the folks on the conference planning committee had attended that session. So many years ago and recommended me as a speaker [00:02:00] for the conference. So incredibly grateful. And ever since, you know, ever since 2014, I mean, to be honest, I, I was talking not officially, not in such a formal setting since 2013, when I first was introduced to the idea.
But I've been pioneering this concept for babies, families and clinicians and the relevance of trauma informed care now for a little over 10 years. And in that I'm just continuously making new discoveries about myself, my mission and the world, to be honest, in the process, I used to tell this story and it's actually in the first book, I think about a very tiny baby I was privileged to care for.
Good golly, it feels like a million years ago when I was working night shift at the NICU, at the Brigham and Women's Hospital. And I'll just use the language of the day back then this fragile, tiny little person was failing, and I'm using air [00:03:00] quotes right now, failing all of our medical efforts to keep her alive.
And in one simple, elegantly natural act, A skin to skin encounter with her mother, this tiny little person who was on the precipice of death, found her reason to live. For me, bearing witness to that miracle in that moment has made me a passionate advocate and champion for developmental care. Which, in truth, I feel it's simply a clinical moniker for love.
Most recently I had the experience of my youngest grandson, who was born to my youngest daughter, require newborn intensive medical and surgical care at two different NICUs. And that experience has highlighted to me that we still have so much farther to go if we're going to transform the trauma experience of our most youngest and vulnerable fellow human beings to actually integrate love, [00:04:00] kindness, and compassion into the healing work we do as healthcare professionals.
For That being said, there's a serious need, or dare I say, urgency. To identify core competencies that must be prerequisites or requisites for anyone and everyone in healthcare and the human service industries. And just for as a FYI, I have a pretty broad definition of human service industries. If you interface with humans who are in struggle or suffering, you're in the human service industry.
So about these core competencies. Back in, I think it was 2018, I had the privilege of gathering together a group of international interdisciplinary clinicians. And at the time, my idea was to talk through a possible certification for trauma informed care. And as we gathered around that virtual table, the questions posed.
included questions like what does a trauma [00:05:00] informed professional look like? What are their characteristics? What are their attributes? What are their values? How do they walk the talk of being trauma informed? And what was birthed out of that series of meetings with these great minds? Were~ the trauma informed,~ the attributes ~rather ~of a trauma informed professional basically competencies to be cultivated and nurtured in order to ensure sustainability and support this paradigm shift that would be trauma transformative.
And I get it, right? I mean, although we can't eradicate trauma as health and human service professionals, we can walk alongside those in the throes of trauma, performing our unique, discipline specific skills wrapped in the loving arms of our authentic presence and our compassion. There's this really great quote by Gabor Maté, and it goes like this, that children don't get traumatized because they're hurt, They get [00:06:00] traumatized because they're alone with their heart and it's not just children, right?
I mean everybody who's listening, right? You started out life as a child, as a baby. We all become traumatized when our reality, when what we are experiencing in the moment, is not acknowledged or as Bessel van der Kolk, a world renowned psychiatrist, says The trauma is when our reality is not seen or known.
So, you know, we have these eight attributes of the Trauma Informed Professional, but it really wasn't until two years later, 2020, when these attributes actually became the foundational curriculum for the Trauma Informed Professional Certificate Program. In addition to inspiring and transforming the hearts and souls of hundreds of folks enrolled and graduated from the program, My team and I have also been transformed by the wisdom, the insights, and the revelations that have [00:07:00] been shared by the program, Voyagers.
We call them Voyagers in the TIP program a little bit of a side story here that, The program was actually developed while I was watching the Vendee Globe with my husband, Danny, the Vendee Globe is a around the world, solo sailing race that was just incredible. And actually it's going to be on TV again in the fall, I think it's the fall of this year.
They hold them every four years. And it was incredible watching these people brave such adversity and find such strength and resilience within them. And, and it's watching this as we were creating the program was so inspiring. And, and that's how I viewed the, the, creation of this program, that it was really about a personal journey as people, you know, kind of discovered what each of these attributes [00:08:00] meant to them individually.
And no two people really experienced the exact same Discoveries and insights from their experience and and that in and of itself was also really impactful. I mean, the courageously vulnerable souls that journey to this program described how that journey deeply impacted their own stories in meaningful, actionable and even magical ways.
My team actually just recently completed a thematic analysis of the data of the first 100 graduates and came up with some really profound discoveries, insights through that process, and we're actually you know, compiling everything and in the process of submitting a manuscript of that analysis for publication this year.
So fingers crossed, send positive energy our way. And, you know, I use the word magical [00:09:00] when I said that, and I don't know what thoughts pop in your head when you hear the word magical. It might sound a little bit weird. But to be honest with you, I, I'm not sure that there's a better word. Before I wrap this up, okay I want to tell you a little story.
So this past weekend, two of my daughters and their young children stayed with Danny and I. And ~Sunday,~ with Sunday being St. Patrick's Day, the girls wanted to do something fun for the kids. And between you and me, being a mom, or as my Danny calls it, momming, has certainly changed a lot since I was a young mom.
I mean, the, the lens of creativity that these guys went. For their little kids. So after they put the babies to bed, my daughters began decorating the house as if it were invaded by a leprechaun. They turned the toilet water green and made little tiny green footprints on the toilet seat. They strung toilet paper in various locations [00:10:00] from the bathroom, all the way down into the kitchen.
And they sprinkled like sparkles and gold stars on the floor path of the imaginary leprechaun who had invaded the house. in the kitchen. They flipped over a couple of kitchen chairs. They strung some more toilet paper around the ceiling fan and arranged a few green toys on the floor. I'm not sure what those guys were all about, but that's what they did.
And then on the kitchen table, in addition to some sparkles, more sparkles, and some Lucky Charms cereal bits, They made this poorly designed leprechaun trap with a small plastic black cauldron that they filled with gold and green shiny coins, positioned beneath a ~box,~ cardboard box, that was suspended from the ceiling fan.
And this whole apparatus was a a trap to capture the leprechaun. Hold on to your horses. The story gets better. They [00:11:00] then positioned their phone, their iPhone in such a way so that they could record the trap being triggered by the leprechaun. And so how they did that is they, they had a green ball and one daughter threw it as the other daughter triggered the trap so that you'd see this flash of something go, you know, hopefully get captured on the video.
And the plan was that they would then share the video with the kids the next morning to keep the magic alive. And they're pretty shnazzy with the, with the text stuff. So in the video, you hear Irish music playing in the background. You see the box fall as a flash whooshes by. That was the green ball to give them the illusion that something was flying by.
And the whole thing worked perfectly. The kids were over the moon. They were delighted, excited, curious beyond measure about the antics that took place while they slept. And so, you know, as I was fretting about, you know, doing this [00:12:00] solo podcast episode with you guys today, I found myself reflecting on my daughter's actions trying to create this magical memory for the young children.
And for me, thinking back on it, I think the kernel of their creativity was, was their love, right? The love that they have for their children, the love that they have for sharing time with each other, the love that they have for life in spite of all the trials and tribulations that life can and does throw at us, right?
I mean, no one lives a life that's perfect. All of us experience pain, sadness, trauma, and sometimes simultaneously with love, joy, comfort, triumph. And I think, you know, the magic that they were trying to recreate ~was,~ is really a reflection of the magic that's within all of us, within them, and with us, that, that each and every one of us on the planet are a once in a lifetime [00:13:00] cosmic event, that the world would be different without any one of us, and we hold great magic inside ourselves.
Our magic resides deep within. It's, it's soul crafted. By our unique individual lived experiences, that my magic doesn't look like your magic, but both bring light, love, and joy to the world when it's shared, which brings me back to the beginning about my speaking gig in Delaware and the power of story, which I thought I would represent by this really lovely poem that I came across my, my daughter has been giving me poetry books and I'm not sure where that comes from, but I'm actually wicked grateful for them because they're very lovely poems.
And this particular poem is from a book titled For Thinkers and Feelers, Self Love Poetry, and the author is Melody Godfred. And and here's the poem. [00:14:00] When things got hard, I used to close all my windows and doors, my soul tucked away in a quiet box. Now I embrace vulnerability, windows open, freedom abundant, moonlight rushing in to spotlight my truth.
And when I, when I read that poem and I actually shared it with the, the TIP graduates, it reminded me of the magic that I had hidden away for, for quite some time, ~right?~ That things do get hard. It's, it's what life is all about and we can sometimes lose ourselves. In that dark place and. And, and close ourselves off and disconnect from the, the work of living, the work of living and loving and being with others.[00:15:00]
And I think, you know, when I think back to all the folks that I've been honored to interview on this podcast so far, all of them shared such great light, shared, shared their magic. Their magic is, is their contributions to the world, to make the world a better place, to, ~you know,~ give folks tools, help them think differently stretch their comfort zone, whether it's researchers from Northern Italy or from the Midwest.
Innovative, exuberant folks from, from London or folks, you know, from right here in my backyard Wiston, Massachusetts, doing good work, trying to shine their light, share their magic with the world it's just been such a privilege and although I do get wicked frustrated, you know, that I feel like [00:16:00] I've been beating a drum for a while.
Listening to these folks share how they care out loud in the world gives me hope, ~right?~ Makes me feel like the word's getting out there. People are, are tuning in, are realizing that being trauma informed or maybe even trauma transformative Isn't something else that I do. It's it's how I show up for us here, you know, for my team at carrying essentials.
It's about the attributes, ~right?~ It's about cultivating our knowledge, our empirical knowledge, our ethical knowledge, our intuitive and personal knowledge. It's about showing up with healing intention of kindness, gratitude. It's, it's taking care of ourselves, ~right?~ It's, it's cultivating that equanimity through personal wholeness.
And realizing that this vessel that I'm, you know, toting around in the world, [00:17:00] it's carrying my heart and soul needs to be nurtured, needs to be cared for if I'm going to continue the work that I'm doing. And when I have those three, that gives me the courage to step up and advocate. For those that may not have a voice to help them find their voice and share their voice with the world to be a conscious, intentional role model and mentor, whether that's on the job or as a parent or a grandparent or a friend or a spouse.
There are all different ways that we role model and mentor. It's not just in one part or one facet of our life. And that I get to share, or we all get to share our knowledge, certainly our, our empirical knowledge, but share all the knowledge that we have, ~right?~ From experiences, from insights, from wisdom with others, respectfully, lovingly, patiently.
And all of those [00:18:00] together, all of those seven attributes that I just described culminate and support me in being that leader for change. That's the eighth attribute. Being a leader for change is leading with kindness, compassion, and connection. It's being respectful and realizing that it is a continuous evolution.
~That~ I often refer to Jane Watson in the work that I do, and she uses this verb package, ~I call the verb package,~ of being becoming. That being, in this moment, I am, but I am always becoming a better expression of myself. I am always evolving. That change is a natural part of the world, of nature, and I am part of nature, and so I need to embrace that, and I need to seek it out, and be curious about growing and evolving.
And so I think that's, you know, this is the first time I've done this kind of a podcast. So I hope it has value to [00:19:00] you. And I hope, ~you know,~ if you're interested in, in discovering more about the work that we do or this concept of trauma informed and transformative care that you'll consider coming to Boston in October, we're having our fourth annual trauma informed developmental care conference.
It'll be at the park plaza and I'll put some of that information down below. Many of the speakers that will be coming up over the next few weeks, including Emily Hills, who was our guest last week, will be faculty at the conference. So if you loved them, you'll love coming because it's more and better of that.
And so I guess I'll just kind of sign off now. And and thank you very much for listening and I hope that you'll tune in next week when I hope to introduce another speaker who will be at the conference. Thanks so much.
